Growing up in a small town, I had no idea that people dressed up for Halloween past high school.
And really, the only time I or my friends dressed up for Halloween in high school was for spirit week or when the Beta Club hosted a Halloween party to take our happy asses to NYC once. Other than that, Halloween costumes were mainly for kiddos.
And then seven Octobers ago happened.
When Grunt Labor and I got together, it was right before Halloween and he was insistent on us getting Halloween costumes. This little country bumpkin had no clue why we were dressing up for Halloween.
And then I walked into the Halloween store and saw all the adult sized costumes – particularly slutty costumes for women.
I finally got it.
There was this whole new world (que the Aladdin song) that I had no idea existed. Adults actually dressed up for Halloween, went to parties and most of the women left little to the imagination while doing so.
I was a referee that year and Grunt was a coach. I happily paraded around in my referee jumpsuit flaunting perky cleavage and a great ass.
I have pictures of this, but would rather my family members who read this blog not see those. Also, there’s the fact that I’m supposed to be setting a good example for the Circus. Which really means I probably shouldn’t have written this post at all. Whoops.
The next year, Grunt was a G.I. Joe and I was an army girl. The army get-up was again in jumpsuit form and once more, I happily paraded around in my slutty costume. That costume was also adorned with a million sequins that came off throughout the night – I left a trail wherever I went. One of our friends swears she was still vacuuming up sequins from my costume years after that Halloween party. Sorry, Heather.
The following year we were Maverick and Charlie from Top Gun. No jumpsuit that year, but definitely a too-short skirt.
The next year, I was knocked-up.
It all went south pretty quick. My body that is.
This year as we perused the Spirit Halloween Store for costumes, Grunt Labor held up a Wonder Woman corset and gave me a wink. I rolled my eyes, picked up the Minnie Mouse ears and gloves, then headed to Target to buy a red shirt and black sweats to finish the ensemble.
Total Halloween buzzkill.
Sadly, my days of rockin’ the slutty Halloween costumes are gone.
I look at those pictures now and fondly remember how damn good I looked.
So here’s what I think.
Rock that slutty costume while you still can, gals.
For one night a year, go ahead and give away some of the milk for free and leave little to the imagination.
Trust me on this one.
Come next Halloween, you might just find yourself rubbing Palmer’s Cocoa Butter lotion on your belly three times a day while your feet are propped up to prevent swelling that the watermelon inside your body is causing.
You’re only young once. That body isn’t going to last forever. Flaunt it. It’s the one night of the year where you can look like a slut and get away with it.
Now, I’m not saying send your middle school and high school daughters out in provocative Halloween costumes.
But if you’re a responsible, in-your-prime adult, then show a little derriere and cleavage Halloween night.
There will come a day when you’ll longingly look back on those photos, wish you still had an ass that somewhat resembled that one and that your boobs didn’t point south.
You know you don’t wanna miss any of this crazy.
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