This is not a sappy birth story. I’m not “that” kind of mama. However, its a quite entertaining one.
I ate a chicken salad sandwich at McAllister’s before we went to the hospital that evening.
It was really good. Their chicken salad sandwiches are always my favorite.
As we were checking in at the hospital, your father pointed out a girl he had once dated among the framed photographs of all the doctors in the Labor & Delivery unit.
Nice, Grunt Labor. Real nice.
I explained to the guy who was checking us in that your father doesn’t have a filter and then silently said a prayer that the ex wouldn’t have to deliver you.
After waddling down the hall to our room, I got into the glamorous wardrobe consisting of one greenish patterned gown that the hospital had provided me.
They hooked me up to machines. They gave me an IV. They told me I was already having contractions, but I hadn’t felt them.
I was a freakin’ rock star.
And then came the Cervadil.
If you have ever had Cervadil administered before, you may know my pain. If not, you can look up what it is.
Whatever you find out about it, know that its a lie. The only thing that Cervadil can be compared to is 80 grit sandpaper.
I’m not kidding.
Your father turned on The Kardashians.
I hate the Kardashians.
I prayed that the reruns would end soon so I didn’t have to bring you into the world while Kim Kardashian was bitching about how hard it was for her to be in the spotlight.
As if she didn’t put herself there on a daily basis.
And then your Uncle Nicky showed up.
He had no clue what to think of this whole situation.
Until the hot nurse walked into the room and both he and your father immediately shut up and stared at her, as if there wasn’t a pregnant woman in bed who was now feeling those contractions.
As soon as the nurse left, I immediately asked which one of the two had dated the nurse.
They both denied it.
Mmmmhhhhhmmmm.
The look they exchanged after she left the room was undeniable though.
At some point, I think I fell asleep, but then woke up and had to pee.
I seriously considered peeing right there in the bed so I didn’t have to get up and risk moving the Cervadil sandpaper around in my body anymore than I had to.
But I got up and went to the bathroom.
And then laid back down.
At that precise moment, it was as if Shonda Rhimes took over and began to write the entire script of this birth.
I’m quite certain Shonda must have a direct line to God because this birth was straight out of a Grey’s Anatomy episode.
Two panicked nurses burst through the door saying they couldn’t detect your heartbeat.
I nonchalantly told them it was just because I had taken the monitor off to pee.
They continued poking and prodding.
In come more nurses.
A doctor.
Someone comes in putting on scrubs.
There are now at least ten doctors and nurses in my room.
The only difference between this and Grey’s Anatomy is that there is no McDreamy or McSteamy there to ease the pain. Nope, I’m stuck with the hot nurse that my husband and Nicky ooodled over, but who graciously held my hand as they wheeled me off for an emergency c-section.
The resident, not the attendee who couldn’t make it in time, is asking for the knife as I’m screaming that I’m awake.
See, its a freakin’ episode of Grey’s.
The doctors have no clue what happened, but tell your father that hopefully I won’t remember any of it since they knocked me out.
Ha. I remember everything.
I woke up and first asked if you were ok (you were), then announced I would never be doing this again (I won’t).
Now you know why I call you the circus.
You brought all three rings with you on your way into the world and haven’t stopped yet.
Happy birthday, kid.
This actually made me snort. I need to write a post about my labor experience…with my ONE kid! His birthday is coming up in June. LoL
Love it…keep them coming!
I love snort laughs, Lisa!! They are the best!
To readers/followers of Rain On a Tin Roof: Both precious girls, mother (Jenna – my daughter) & daughter (“Circus” – my granddaughter) are my rays of sunshine. Guess you know where I will be spending extra time when I retire next year. Love my “baby” girls. Happy Birthday to my extra, precious granddaughter today! …. And yes readers, I am a biker but it’s OK if we express emotions too. After all, they’ll always be my babies. No matter what.
I love this! 🙂
See you at the party on Saturday!
Lindsay
I love this story. She’s beautiful. And perfect.
Thank you, Nancy!
I loved your story. I have three kiddos…the twins where my second pregnancy and a huge surprise. I do have to ask who went to Butler? Hoosier girl here…Go Bulldogs!
You come across as a big dork….love it! I’m a big one too.
Thanks, Amanda! Actually, none of us went to Butler, but at that time, Brad Stevens was coaching there and my husbands loves him, so he was a Butler fan!
Those adorable, round cheeks are KILLIN’ me! Happy Birthday!
Thanks, Brigitte!
Oh my! That is right up there with your wedding day!! Love it and your sense of humor is the best. A circus indeed!!
Thank you for making me laugh out loud and for making my day better.
I know right, Paula?! Around here, its like all major events must be written in advance by Shonda Rhimes!
Made me laugh and remember the births of my three daughters…and my first granddaughter! Scary, wonderful, and painful as hell!! Well, my granddaughter didn’t hurt me 🙂 and really neither did my third because I had them put the epidural in place before they started the meds to make me go into labor (no one wanted to come out, they were all induced…late! Like 18 days, 9 days and 9 days!!). Happy Birthday to your sweet circus!! They certainly are a blessing…I had to remind myself of that so often when they were teens!!! Looking forward to the havoc she causes as she grows up!!!
Funny enough, I ended up not enduring much pain during labor – they just put the mask over me and knocked my butt out. However, I think the kid knows this and decides to make up for it on a daily basis. haha!
Ha! This made me laugh out loud. Welcome to the one and done club. Been there done that and he’s 13….
I am giving you a virtual “one and done” high five, Sheri! 😉
Oh Jenna, I remember this story like the first time you told it to me and my heart breaks. My is somewhat similar (although minus the sandpaper) but how the hell did I get a second one? lol.
J.xo
PS: I thought you liked sandpaper?
I like certain kinds of sandpaper. hahaha! 😉
I love this story… and still remember running into your family in the hallway at 6AM as they were wheeling you down to your room… and you freaking out because you heard my voice.
But to be fair, I was given false info as to what was going on at the time!
Love my perfect baby and I love y’all!
What a fun birth story! And I agree- that Cervadil is straight from hell!! I’ve never felt so violated in my life!! Happy birthday to your circus- who by the way is a cutie pie!!
Selene!!! I am so glad you know what I’m talking about! YES – it is of the devil!!!
fantastic story! mine were all C-sections so I never had the joy of knowing the sandpaper!
You got lucky, Melissa! The sandpaper is of the devil.
No experience w cervadil, but pitocin is the devil. My second baby was dx w a serious congenital anomaly in utero so circus was an understatement: OBGYN, perinatal specialists, two nurses for each dr for a total of 4, anesthesiologist w assistant, 4 NICU team members, an emergency transport team (3), my hub, my aunt and my father. I’ve jokingly said I no longer have a modesty issue since half of the tri county area has seen my woo-hoo….PS. My baby is 15 w four surgeries behind him and I did do it again; 3 boys #nogalsbutme
Wow, Amy! What a journey! You are truly tough, girl! So glad to hear that your baby is all good now!
Man…he actually mentioned he had dated that female staff the DAY you were to deliver?
AND stared at the nurse?
Who the heck does things like that! (Two of the) Biggest faux pas in the history of faux pas.
I am sorry, not very politically correct I know and he still is your hubby but, man oh man, he deserved lots of hard kicks that day. Or some contractions (even better). Ridiculous how an online post can make me so upset.
I am glad you made it through – you and your daughter – safe and sound.
Happy birthday to your circus and many happy returns. 🙂
I know, right??!