I don’t think you officially become a parent just because you bring a kid into the world. While all that pushing certainly counts for something (not that I would know, they just knocked me out for the delivery), it doesn’t deem you a parent the minute that baby springs forth from your loins. Because at that point, while yes, you feel a love that is bigger than the Beatles, you haven’t truly gotten to experience parenthood. Oh no, sweetheart. You are at the tip of the iceberg. That moment when your child is delivered, it’s only the beginning of the demise of your fashion sense, social gatherings, bar hopping, and general “hipness.” For a little while, you may feel this little ray of hope inside you that says, “It will get better soon. You’ll bounce back in no time and normal life will resume.”
That little ray of hope my friend, is a crock of shit.
These are the five signs that you have officially entered parenthood and that nothing – ever – will be the same again. No matter how many beers you drink or how much concealer you cake on.
1. You have two categories of sweats: plain old sweats and dress sweats. The former is considered perfectly acceptable attire for dropping off and picking up your kid from preschool, going to the grocery store, and of course lounging around the house. Dress sweats are a little newer with fewer stains and aren’t completely as baggy as the old sweats. In your opinion, these are acceptable attire for trips to Target, coffee with friends, and hell, even the mall and Applebee’s.
2. Gatherings with friends consist of professing your love for Costco and how it totally changed your grocery shopping game. You will also give a full recount of the time you successfully fed your kid a complete lunch for free one Sunday solely from the crab cake samples at the Costco. Furthermore, you still get giddy over the fact that Costco now sells Boom Chicka Pop popcorn. Depending on how much cheap beer you have had to drink that night, you may or may not admit to annihilating an entire bag of said popcorn in one evening.
3. You have to use Google maps to get you to the hip new restaurant downtown (that you’ve never heard of) for a friend’s birthday party. Also, you have no idea what other new hip bar your childless friends are talking about when they recount their Saturday nights to you. However, you totally go along with it and act like you know exactly the place they are talking about in an effort to make yourself seem somewhat hip still. While you are lost in this little fib, you are reminiscing about your own Saturday nights spent at The Big Chill and how even if you went out now it wouldn’t be the same because they just had to go and move The Big Chill to the damn yuppy north shore. But damn, a chicken salad melter from there would be heaven right now. At that point, your friend asks if you need a napkin for the drool that is coming from your mouth.
4. You have no idea what music is popular with the young crowd now except for Uptown Funk and that’s only because someone made a montage of old hollywood dance scenes to the tune of Uptown Funk which went viral on Facebook. After watching the montage, you buy the song because it is one hell of a great song. You will play it far too often and far past its popularity and your kid will eventually start making fun of you for this.
Also, you were overly excited when you discovered that reruns of Music City Tonight from the 90’s were being broadcast on a TV channel you had never heard of before, but is now your new favorite channel. You also find another show called Classic Country on said new favorite channel which features old country music videos from the 90’s. Lorrie Morgan is the host, which makes you think of her song Something in Red and you realize the song was total bullshit and there’s not a damn thing in red, green, blue, black or any other color in the rainbow that will make you look as damn good as you did before you got knocked up. And that leads you to realize that you in fact did look damn good prior to pregnancy even though you didn’t realize it. Depending on your hormones and how much you’ve been drinking when you make this realization, you will either:
A. Get pissed as hell for not appreciating that little tidbit of information when you were still hot.
B. Start crying because that’s all that’s left to do at this point. Unless you have money for plastic surgery, which you don’t nor ever will in the foreseeable future.
5. You don’t realize you’re wearing the same sweats (and not dress sweats) you wore yesterday and that you slept in last night until you’re walking into the preschool to drop off your kid. You were wondering why the teachers were looking at you funny.
Like I said, the beer won’t change anything. But it’ll help.