Awhile back, my friend Brittany and I toasted to none of us ever getting knocked up again. We had just managed to pull off our friend Ashley’s baby shower even though we had been left unattended for a few hours and realized less than an hour before the shower that we weren’t even halfway done decorating.
On Wednesday, Ashley had her baby boy. He’s really cute and all that other good stuff. Brittany, another friend Kathryn, and myself all went to the hospital to see Ashley and the little
terror bundle of joy. Ashley’s husband, whose name is also Ashley (I have lots of fun with that one), asked her if her opinion of being pregnant had changed since she had had the baby.
You see, there were many many people who told myself, Ashley, Brittany and Kathryn that being pregnant was just the best feeling in the world.
We’re calling bullshit.
“I’ve never felt better than when I was pregnant,” they said.
First off, who actually feels amazing during their pregnancy? Seriously, I was carrying around thirty extra pounds almost exclusively in one place and was never ever comfortable during the entire nine months. First I was nauseous, then I was bloated, then I was constantly starving, then I felt like my skin was stretching so far out that a hood of a Mack truck could fit in there. Not to mention the entire last month of my pregnancy when literally the only position I was halfway comfortable in was sitting in a plastic lawn chair. No lie, I taught 7th grade students from a plastic lawn chair the entire last month of school that year.
“You are always in a good mood,” they said.
Well if being nauseous, bloated, and hungry puts you in a good mood, then sure pregnancy is just a dream. Does lack of sleep also put you in a good mood? Because if it does, then I must have been a real sweetheart the last trimester. And umm, hello hormones going everywhere.
“You get to wear all these adorable maternity clothes,” they said.
The maternity clothes. Sure, there are cute maternity clothes – and they will cost you a pretty penny. And if you’re like me and only intend on having one child, then you won’t be willing to fork over $100 for one dress from A Pea in the Pod that you will wear to one baby shower and never wear again. On top of that, by the last month and a half, even my maternity clothes didn’t fit me anywhere – where is the logic in that?
“You can eat whatever you want,” they said.
Sure, you have the ultimate excuse to annihilate an entire pizza and a pan of brownies in one sitting, but can you wash it down with a couple beers? Nope. Well, you can have one. But really what’s the point of that?
“You just glow,” they said.
No. There was no glowing. There were only slightly fewer zits that randomly arrived on my face than were there my junior year of high school.
“It’s such a magical time in your life,” they said.
Sure, I was excited for the circus. Was it magical? Well do any of the above points sound magical to you?
Didn’t think so.
So to all the ladies who told me pregnancy was going to be all sunshine and rainbows – you were full of shit.
Or you were smoking a lot of weed.
You know you don’t wanna miss any of this crazy.
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